The concept of ‘New Year’ goes back some 4,000 years in Babylon, where the first new moon (when it is completely dark, not to be confused with the full moon) following the vernal equinox, (the time at which the Earth is equidistant from the Sun and again exactly six months later) a day in late March, was originally selected to represent the ‘New Year’, during which Akitu (derived from the Sumerian word for “Barley”) celebrated the mythical victory of the Babylonian sky god Marduk over the evil sea goddess Tiamet. How about that?

The Romans, always seeking perfection, added ninety days to the year 46 BC so as to line up their new calendar (the Julian Calendar) with the Sun.

Most of the time, the ‘New Year’, whatever the culture, was invariably predicated on a particular agricultural or astronomical event.  In Egypt the ‘New Year’ was chosen to coincide with the annual flooding of the Nile, that also coincided with the rising of the star, Sirius.  The Chinese ‘New Year’ was the second new moon after the winter solstice (when the day is the shortest, not because the Earth is furthest from the Sun, but because of the inclination of the Earth relative to the Sun).

Julius Caesar chose January 1st as the first day of the year, in part to honor the god of the month, namely Janus, the Roman god of beginnings, whose two faces permitted him to look towards the future as well as the past.  Pope Gregory XIII in 1582 made it final when he declared that henceforth January, 1 would represent the ‘New Year’.  The rest, as they say, is history.

In commemoration of the upcoming ‘New Year’ on January 1, 2016, I am not going to bore you with politics or the usual BS that is slowly but surely strangling us.  Instead I am going to treat you to a sampling of what I think are the funniest of the numerous emails that I received in 2015.

SEX & CALORIES

He said … They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.”

She said …”Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?”

NEED HELP? CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3780

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called.  A Mexican showed up at my house with a lawn mower.

NEVER FELT SAFER

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch. I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard.  Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you can buy on e-bay) and put it in the center of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I’ve never felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month.